Some people say that you can never go home again. What if you really never had a home to begin with? I have been on the move since I was 2. Thanks to a punch happy father and a compliant mother, we went where the work was since he couldn't keep his fists from flying. So about every 2 years for the formative years, we moved. Must have gotten into my blood. After the divorce, we stayed in Savannah for the rest of the time. We lived in the same house from the last years of elementary school, on up through high school. So for a while it was stable, except everything around me was always changing. When we moved into said house, we were on a tract of land that was caught between the mid-town and south-side growth spurts. Overtime our wild woods turned into tract housing, a football field, a cinema and medical offices. While our 1/2 acre property remained unchanged, the world around it did. The house after we vacated it, went from a church thrift store to what it is now, demolished. It was only a matter of time.
When I moved to Atlanta, I couldn't find the right place. I moved here and there, until I found the cutest house I could ever have imagined. Then I got pregnant, and long story short... I had to move again.
When I fled the south, I had already done significant stints of time in other cities, and seen a few countries other than ours. I decided to continue to explore America, but avoided places I had already been. I moved to the desert. It called to me. I would dream at night about hearing the crunch of rock under my shoes, and the feel of the hot dry air on my skin. I was tired of a summer of rain in Atlanta, and needed to shed the nostalgia of negativity that was pervading my daily living there. The desert, while a pleasant place to live, is boring. So I kept moving. And moving.
Finally, I end up in the absolute LAST place on EARTH that I ever wanted to live. Los Angeles. City of Lost Angels... I think its just the city of the lost. I can't say that I don't like it, I do love the city and all that it has to offer but the people well, leave alot to be desired. However, the more and more I think about it, the more I think that it isn't just the people here, it has been the people everywhere. It is the people in America specifically. It mostly is me. I am always restless. I get bored very easily in the same place for too long. I suppose my philosophy is if it don't work, change it. If I don't like where I live, I move. If I don't like my job, I change it. This has led me down various paths and various places of residency. Yet, as I get older, I thought that this would change. It could be that I just haven't found the perfect place yet, or that maybe there is no perfect place. Maybe I have to make it that perfect place, by sticking around. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life in Savannah, Ga. I still feel like it is one of the most beautiful cities that I have ever lived in. Then I thought that Atlanta was where I belonged. Yet again, the city seemed to stifle me. Now I don't know what to think.
As my daughter gets older, and I have to think about education, where I live is starting to become less about my preference and more about her best interests. I can't work as much as I need to because the hours of childcare are limited. I don't have support here, and I am actually getting lonely. So the question is, where is my home? If I don't make it here, where do I go to get there. The first two logical places are Texas and Georgia. Texas equals a full fledged commital to swallowing all the hurt, neglect, and pride associated with my father and concentrate on that relationship. The second is Georgia. Atlanta to be back with my mom. But then that means, I would be back in the place that I fled from. So I think move back to Savannah, I would be near my daughter's godfather, and my sister. Yet, I tried once to do that, and it just didn't feel right. Savannah feels like I am so far from that place mentally even thinking about it makes me feel suffocated and lethargic. So what is the answer? How can you go home if you don't have a home to go back to? I can take so much more knowledge with me going back, and I also can do the things that I really want to do because the financial stress might be alleviated to some degree but is the happiness in the sacrifice of my life for the sake of my daughter's or is the happiness in making it in the place I really want to be and fitting everything else into it?
The only solace: Right now she doesn't know or miss anything and she loves our life.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
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One thing I've discovered--often you find the place where you belong, or the job that suits you, almost by accident. Like the job I have now--I took it just because the company was hiring and I was looking and desperate. Over twenty years later I'm still there. It wasn't the plan, it just happened. John Lennon said, "Life is what happens when you're making other plans," and I think that's what he was talking about. Anyways, I know there's something out there for you--and while I'd be ecstatic if you moved back to Savannah (or even Atlanta), that's entirely me being selfish, and I hope you find a situation and makes you happy and is good for Talyan, wherever that may be.
ReplyDeleteI know a bit about running from things in a cycle. I thought I got bored of places, people, things, until I realized that I was reacting to the knowledge that I was growing bored of myself. But that's just me. Another spelunk through the little connected caves of memory.
ReplyDeleteI hope, in years to come, your daughter grows to appreciate how much thought you put into doing the best thing for her. I truly hope she does. Best of luck!
I found your post via Seth’s comment game, and read your post with great appreciation. Thank you for your vulnerability and transparency.
ReplyDeleteLos Angeles just might be the perfect place for urban spelunking; I did for 25 years. But every Mother will tell you that having children changes perspective. I did not have a life that was offering what I wanted to create, promote and allow for my young children.
I took a hard long look at what was holding me down. Only after unraveling knots could I receive a 12th hour invitation from Idaho. The hours just prior were brutal, unkind and truthful. It left me holding onto nothing but trusting God as an absolute – a place I can highly recommend coming home to.
I see where you're coming from; I have the same feelings when it comes to escaping. But I dont want to leave until I know where to go- because I dont play well with the pick up and just move strategy.
ReplyDeleteIt's possible you'll never find a home; that your home is being nomadic. But it is good that you're putting your daughter's well being ahead-some dont.
Good luck to you, and I hope you will find that ideal home; and live there for a long time in happiness.